[Hypothetically] of Course

Ok there’s something no rather someone who has just been eatin up my mind. Someone who is just so much in denial about herself and it’s sad to see how she does so much damage to herself and to everyone else without realizing it. She believes she’s a saint, a gift from the Gods and she can do no wrong. She punishes everyone else for what ever wrong they may have done but when reciprocated she can’t handle it. That’s the thing that truly amazes me. She makes up all these scenarios or theories of what other people motives are and it’s crazy. This woman is driving everyone away from her and pretty soon when I leave she’ll be by herself drowning in her own self pity. SMH your pride is going to get the best of you. And the sad thing about this whole thing is that I feel her ways are starting to rub on me and that sickens me. The thought that I can be just like her SICKENS me. She is a deadly plague that I will not allow to continue to spread onto me or any future generations. This cycle will stop. How can you be so evil towards your family. How can you go around to every member of my family and bad mouth me because you are insecure and have control issues. Or because someone doesn’t agree with you and outwardly shows their difference of opinion you trash talk about them. It just amazes me it really does. Life is too short for the bull that she’s pulling. I truely wish her the best in life when I’m gone. And when I leave this house I will not return. She won’t have to worry about ever seeing me or talking to me again because she has burned this bridge.

How do you tell someone about all the hurt that’s concealed in the form of a smile? How do you tell someone about the many precautions, the many walls, the many guards you have in order to protect your heart from the hurt? How do you tell someone that they’ve help you to begin letting down those barriers? Opening to a person who is free of the need of constant protection? How do you explain to someone the long history of why I must protect myself? Of why I’m cautious to openly being me. My chains have not yet been lifted. And I’m still dealing with that constant hurt. Family using me and verbally abusing me. How do you tell someone of the constant self abuse that I give myself? Because I can’t be what my family expect for me to be or orders me to be. How everyday I beat myself up because I can’t be perfect. Constantly fighting back and forth with myself about the same argument. Not being able to cry when it hurts because pain is so inept with my body that I just continue to walk around like everything is ok. Well it’s not and because I’ve had to deal with it on my on for so long I don’t know how to ask for help nor do I know how to accept. I’m constantly thinking I deserve what’s being done to me because everyone else believes I do at least my constant abusers. So I’m scared and confused and not sure what to do. Because no one else should have to deal with my issues. No one else should have to be affected by them either. And the things I’m trying to prevent are happening and it scares me. I’m afraid. But I’m so so sorry. But sorry isn’t enough….

Good Morning All, I love waking up in the morning to new ideas……….Okay so I want to try something new. So I wrote this poem and it was purely inspired by yet another Alicia Keys song. It was actually the intro song to her album As I Am. It was kind of weird how I wrote because it was just flowing. I was on my computer while listening to it and as soon as it came on it was like I was making music along with the song. It was the weirdest experience. But anyway what I was saying is I want to try something different. I’m going to send this poem around to my friends and ask them to add a verse to the poem, but the verse must start with “loving you loving you” like in the original poem. And after that they could write whatever comes to mind when you think about loving someone. I don’t if it limits the creativity but I just thought this would be a cool idea because I’ve always just wanted to create a poem with my friends and I thought this would be a start of something brilliant.. It would be like an epic chain of ingenious young people coming together to collaborate on a work of art in progress. I don’t know. What do you think? Here’s the poem:

loving you loving you

is the key to my happiness

opening to a window

of infinite possibilities

of what could be

think of the possibilities

of what will be

if we continue to grow

and nurture our

intertwining souls

oh the places we may go

loving you loving you

baby is like music

composing symphonies

of everlasting memories

singing songs that exuberates

your heavenly features

because babe you

are the perfect harmony

loving you loving you

brings joy to my soul

where would I be if

there wasn’t a you and me

a me and you

you are the air that I breathe

the light that I see

when walking through darkness

where would I be if

there wasn’t a you and me

and a me and you

Loving you loving you

babe is a never ending story……

When will time stop and tick to the beat of my forever mendig heart. When will the sun shine and dry my flowing tears leading me to a river of thoughts that are constant reminders of what life used to be. To which I want it to be. To which I continue to try to live in hopes that this, this life was all but a epic nightmare of what could be. I’m still waiting for someone or something to disrupt this place I call life. I refuse to suucumb to the fact that this is life because this is nothing but an epic nightmare of everything I worked hard not to be. When did I give up on life and decide to live in this fantasy world I’ve created in my head. When will I face reality and stop living [in theory].

See I want to jump back into reality but my comfort lies in theory. I try to face the harsh realities of my so called life by pretending that nothing has changed. And instead of things looking up all my hurt, my angst, my fears, my disappointments surround my heart and soul creating a wall blocking any emotion that dares to come through. So now I’m left empty and hollow constantly replaying memories of the past, memories in which I want to go back to and live in forever. You tell me what sounds better. Living in theory or facing the harsh reality I call life. See people tell me that it gets better but I must ask when will this epic nightmare end. When will my silent screams be heard and end this sorry world I call life….

I keep telling myself that I don’t wanna live in theory, but what good is talking. When will my hypothetical thinking turn into a course of action. Right now I’m at a stand still as to where I want to go from here. Do I continue to run away and hide myself from the hurt? Or do I face my fears? I just want to be in a safe place where I’m free to fully express who I am. Where I can continue to branch out and find the very essence of what makes me “me”. I’m tired of conforming myself to meet the standards of others. I want this cycle of oppression to stop. It ends here. I can’t continue to sit back and wait for someone to save me from this epic nightmare. I have to take control……take back my life….I have to take control…..and end this epic nightmare……

And so now I’m back to square one. No action, but just thinking possibilities. Hypothetical outcomes to theoretical solutions. That then only I can hope will turn into action.