How Do I……
How do you tell someone about all the hurt that’s concealed in the form of a smile? How do you tell someone about the many precautions, the many walls, the many guards you have in order to protect your heart from the hurt? How do you tell someone that they’ve help you to begin letting down those barriers? Opening to a person who is free of the need of constant protection? How do you explain to someone the long history of why I must protect myself? Of why I’m cautious to openly being me. My chains have not yet been lifted. And I’m still dealing with that constant hurt. Family using me and verbally abusing me. How do you tell someone of the constant self abuse that I give myself? Because I can’t be what my family expect for me to be or orders me to be. How everyday I beat myself up because I can’t be perfect. Constantly fighting back and forth with myself about the same argument. Not being able to cry when it hurts because pain is so inept with my body that I just continue to walk around like everything is ok. Well it’s not and because I’ve had to deal with it on my on for so long I don’t know how to ask for help nor do I know how to accept. I’m constantly thinking I deserve what’s being done to me because everyone else believes I do at least my constant abusers. So I’m scared and confused and not sure what to do. Because no one else should have to deal with my issues. No one else should have to be affected by them either. And the things I’m trying to prevent are happening and it scares me. I’m afraid. But I’m so so sorry. But sorry isn’t enough….
